Healthy relationships and red flags

There are a number of features or markers to what makes a relationship “healthy” or “unhealthy”. Many of these are similar for different kinds of relationships in our lives, but in this video we're going to focus particularly on intimate partnerships between two people and family relationships. A healthy relationship is one where everyone feels safe, cared for and respected.

In the intimate partnership context this means an equal partnership between two people that is marked by open communication, with both people having access to shared resources including money, equal decision-making and autonomy. Both people are free to have shared and individual interests, beliefs, and contact with family, friends and other social relationships. In a family setting this means that regardless of age, family structure, cultural expectations or hierarchy everyone is respected and feels safe.

In healthy and supportive relationships, we are connected to friends and family, have our own interests, and feel strong and supported in our culture or spiritual beliefs. Healthy relationships encourage us to be the best we can no matter what we do, how we look, and what we choose to do with our bodies. They give us confidence to voice our beliefs and opinions, and they help celebrate our achievements.

A healthy relationship gives you freedom to do things like:

• See family and friends
• Go out without the other person
• Control your own money
• Make decisions about your body
• Make decisions about your work, friends and where you live
• Have your own hobbies and interests
• Follow your own cultural practices, religion or spiritual beliefs
• Communicate when you feel unsafe
• Celebrate your achievements
• Voice your options and feelings

Unhealthy relationships have an imbalance of power and an absence of unconditional respect. They may be marked by characteristics such as control, one partner feeling as though they “are walking on eggshells” around their partner, where there is an absence of trust, and consistent care and support.

Unhealthy relationships have signs that we sometimes refer to as red flags.

Red flags might be a partner checking our phone or social media, persuading us to do things that we are not comfortable to do, making it difficult for us to work or study or telling us what to wear. When a partner actively tries to stop us spending time with friends or family or they are jealous of the relationships that we have outside the partnership this is a red flag.

If they stop us from following our religious or cultural practices, tell us what to do or think or eat, these are all be signs of an unhealthy relationship.

It is never OK for someone in a relationship to:

• Physically hurt your body in any way
• Touch you in ways or places you don’t want to be touched
• Force you to have sex or do sexual things
• Expresses extremely jealously when you spend time or show affection to friends, family or your children
• Controls or monitors your technology (phone, computer or internet searches)
• Say and do things that make you feel scared or unsafe
• Take your money or use money to make your life hard
• Damage walls, parts of your home, or your things
• Threaten to hurt you, your children, your pets or people you care about
• Threaten to hurt themselves
• Share private photos or videos of you online without your permission
• Stop you from following your religion or cultural practices
• Isolate you from friends, family or the workplace
• Refuse to provide essential care and support for you if they are your parent, guardian, career, or paid support person
• Make looking after a baby hard by not letting you feed or settle your baby
• Scare you by following you, harassing you, or refusing to leave you alone
• Use the legal system to bully or intimidate you
• Stop you from making decisions about whether or not to have a baby, or other reproductive issues
• Stop you from having medicine you need or from seeing a doctor
• Give you medicine you don't need or more medicine than you need

If someone who is supposed to care for us refuses to do so when we need it or controls our access to medication or support this is a strong indicator that we may be experiencing abuse.

If a partner threatens to hurt us, our children, pets or other animals or themselves it’s a sign that things are definitely not ok. Abusive behaviours often escalate, there may be patterns of control and violence followed by apologies and promises that things will change - we call this the cycle of violence.

Abuse doesn't have to be physical to do harm or be considered violence. Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour where a person is gradually isolated by their partner from their sources of external support and social interaction, preventing them from accessing the things they need to be independent, monitoring, criticising, and regulating their behaviour by stripping away their sense of self, choice, and freedom. It can be hard to spot from the outside and may happen slowly over a long period of time.

Abusive relationships make us feel isolated and unsafe.

You can watch our video explainer on healthy relationships here.

You can access and print our healthy relationships and red flags poster here.